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Real Experiences Series – Meeting My Deceased Son

Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about witness. It was around 10 PM while we waited in the an operating room. Moving between denial and acceptance of the situation and nurses, sometimes with informal banter, some which was lighthearted my wife lay in bed with her stomach in was distinct, so which I could clearly Cradle Series observe the silhouette of her infant. She was motionless in a still position for the entire time.

While I sat in conversation with other people and my wife was shivering in an acute fever and shock, as a result of an infection I massaged her stomach. the outline of the left side the hip and thigh could be seen. I was awestruck of what was happening, and also surprisingly serene considering that my son’s death within hours of his death. In fact, in the midst of the endless moments, I realized that I was in the presence of God in the midst of me helping me to find the strength to live my life. It wasn’t difficult for me to live my life. Through all of it, could my partner be very authentic even with the high fever that arose.

Also, “through it all” was a hymn for us, at a time when this time frame could have was a snub to the enemies of God who would have for us to be pushed to the ground and a time in which God’s presence transcended all dull indwelling. “Through it all my eyes are on you… it is well… ” was the lyrics to the song we sang twice in the process of birth through the tears of eternity’s longing and the fearful anticipation of what was just before us as a unique moment.

The events prior to Nathanael’s arrival. It was a lengthy Caesarean Section birth procedure, (in contrast to having my four previous children born in this manner). The atmosphere inside the theater was sombre. The silence was absent, except for Kristene DiMarco’s voice as well as her music that was ethereal. No one wanted to speak about an elephant that was in the room. My solution was to offer grace. I’m sure we were all in need of it.

Every time we saw an inclination in my wife’s abdomen as surgeons worked on tissues, we were preparing ourselves for Nathanael’s arrival. There were several occasions where we prepared ourselves. The medical team was trying to achieve Nathanael to a place where they could remove him. After they had delivered the baby, our midwife gave me the signal. She wrapped my hands that were cradled in towels. When I arose from the chair I was on, I was welcomed by the surgeon who handed the birth of my son to me. Similar to the births of my children, nothing I could have prepared me for the emotion I felt. However, this one was distinct. There was no sense of pressure from a positive source, or joy to look after the infant. There was no eye contact , or contact with the surgeon. The moment was in a state of dormancy without a trace of anything. It was a terribly painful moment, but one for that courage was forged.

I embraced Nathanael in both my hands, my son who weighed in at 8 pounds, and very healthy for the 36 weeks and two days of gestation. I then kissed his forehead. It was a kiss of desire. His skin was a distinct scent. He was frowning in his eyes. He looked like his elder brother, who was asleep. I wanted to hug him. I brought him with Sarah and we both cried for a long time. The staff at the operating room did their work leaving us in peace. We weren’t rushed. We spent the first three hours with Nathanael which included bathing him and dressing him up in my wife’s birth suite.

Life is full of moments like this and time is still. Everything else is irrelevant. Then you have the feeling that your life is forever altered and it’s an extremely surreal sensation which demands you to surrender. But, surprisingly I was glad to have met Nathanael in this manner. God did a wonderful job of sustaining me and us in a time when we would have been overwhelmed by emotion as to not take advantage of the moment.

The next morning, just five hours later everyone was present as Heartfelt took pictures for us. It was a challenging time for a lot of our family members however everyone tried their best and that’s all you have to need to ask. We were very satisfied with our family for the entire time.


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